Turning the page

Life has been changing for me.... I have been growing more and more as a person. I look back at the last 5 years and am amazed at all I have been through and all that I have the future holds for me.

Life has been good and difficult at times, but I have held a focus on seeing the bigger picture. I have been working at finding success in my life.

First area I needed to work on (after having to find a job) was to get my health in order. At my job, within the first 5 months I gained around 10 lbs. UGH! Last summer I was complaining about my weight as it was, now I added on another 10lb. Great.

I joined a gym, but didn't go for the first month. Then I stepped on a scale at my friend's house and BAM.... almost passed out when I saw the number. That week I started at the gym, then the next week I joined Weight Watchers. It has been almost 7 weeks and I am proud to say that I have lost 14.8 POUNDS!! GO ME! I have about 30 more to go before I hit goal. I am sooo very excited.

I work out 5 days a week, and am working really hard at getting my life together in all aspects.

Work has been great, I really love my job.

Family is good, my sister and BIL are really having a hard time, so I am trying to help them out as much as I can. My sister had surgery today too, so now she has to physically heal in addition to all that they are already dealing with.

Prayers for my family

My sister's house burned down.

A few days before that, her husband was laid off. Her birthday was a week before. They decided to go out for a few hours and pick up their son from school. As they pulled into the driveway they saw smoke coming from their house. Their 5 month old puppy was in her crate, in the house. They tried to get in the house to get her, but the smoke and heat was too much. My Brother-in-law cut open his hand breaking the windows. They couldn't save her. I was at work when I got the call. I got in my car immediately and drove the 3 hours to get to her, in the snow. As soon as I had my sister in my arms, she broke down. The people in her in laws house had tears rolling down her face as my sister bawled in my arms.

Later that night, when our dad and brothers got up there, we (not my sister or her husband) entered their house. The structure was still there, but that was it. I have never seen anything like I did that night. It was black and charred, the smell was intense. You couldn't recognize anything. The TV was a shell of plastic and metal. The couch was reduced to a wooden frame. The floor... was 6 inches of muck. The pictures on the wall were gone. Miraculously, her wedding albums weren't touched.

They lost everything... all they had were the clothes on their backs. My poor 4 year old nephew lost everything material in his world. How do you explain to a 4 year old that he can't sleep in his bed? That he has no toys to play with? That is "sister"/puppy is gone? It breaks my heart.

Since then, I have been amazed by the generosity out there. People near and far willing to help out. People willing to donate the very little money they have.

All I want is to see my sister smile again. To see her not feel so..... displaced.

She has always been my hero... all i can do is try to find as many people who can help her.

If you would like to donate, please send me an email at hopefulstarfish@gmail.com I will send you the Paypal link I have created for her.

Drama Seeker Reformed

My whole life I have been a drama seeker. I have also been in severe denial about what I was. I am proud to say that I am in recovery.. finally. I come from a family of drama seekers, I never knew there was a different way of being. I lived years of drama... years spent working myself up into a madness. There were the childhood years of tantrums and stubbornness. The early teenage years of angst and boy drama and personal drama... The last 7 years of more boy drama, friend drama, family drama.

Just looking at my posts from the last 3 years are one drama filled post after another. How EXHAUSTING!!! Seriously?!?! People told me I was dramatic that I blew every situation out of proportion. Ex's told me I needed attention and was way too dramatic about things that were not important.

The last 6 months I feel like I have been in drama therapy. I cannot tell you how or when it happened. But all of a sudden, I was able to see the how ridiculous I was being. For example, with FL, when he didn't call or didn't want to see me.. I would make a HUGE deal out of it. Obsess over it... think about it constantly. I would say these things that I meant to evoke a response from him... dramatic.

Sometime in September, I noticed a difference in how I was FEELING about everything. It was like a light was turned on and I could finally see clearly. I used to have to talk myself out of doing dramatic things. Now I don't even have the urge and I am more aware of it in other people too. Take my mom for example.. the queen of drama. I used to argue and argue with her. Now I get it. She is dramatic.. I don't even pay attention to her... I let her make her big deal and don't respond. I have advised my sister who is going through a dramatic fight with her best friend to not be dramatic... and she is feeling so much better, her impulse was to be dramatic, as we always have been and it would have made the situation so much more stressful.

I can't say I am always be reformed, I can only hope so. I can only hope that I continue to not over react and let go of situations that are beyond my control.

Merry Christmas to all! I hope everyone has an excellent christmas and gets everything you want.

Enjoy the time with your family and friends. I wish I could have a drink with every one of you who have been there with me over the years. This Christmas all I want is for everyone I love to be happy and healthy.

Love, Neenee

Scattergories Survery

A
- Available: Yes....
- Age: 27 and loving it.
- Annoyance: stupid people.. people who are super high strung, not having tivo....
- Animal: Monkeys

B
- Beer: a good winter ale
- Birthday: October 30th
- Best Friend(s): My sister
- Body Part on opposite sex: butt, eyes and arms
- Best feeling in the world: cuddling with someone you care about
- Blind or Deaf: i really can't pick
- Best weather: warm, sunny and slight breeze.. perfect beach weather
- Been on stage?: yes
- Believe in Magic: yes
- Believe in Santa: yes

C
- Candy: anything sugary sweet
- Color(s): blue
- Chocolate/Vanilla: vanilla
- Chinese/Mexican: neither...
- Cake or pie: pie
- Continent to visit: Europe
- Cheese: i love so many... cheese is sooo yummy

D
- Day or Night: day I love the sun
- Dance in the rain: I have been known to do that

E
- Eyes: brown
- Everyone's got: needs
- Ever failed a class?: almost

F
- First thoughts waking up: what am I going to wear?
- Food: pizza

G
- Greatest Fear: death
- Goals: lose weight, fall in love
- Gum: not much a fan
- Get along with your parents?: yes... daddy's little girl.. and momma lives me most of the time.
- Good luck charm: Starfish

H
- Hair Color: brown
- Height: 5'2
- Happy: most of the time
- Holiday: christmas
- How do you want to die: never

I
- Ice Cream: banana
- Instrument: can't play any instruments.. but i find drummers incredibly sexy

J
- Jewelry: like it but dont wear it much.
- Job: Loving the one I have

K
- Kids: fun... I love my nieces and nephews.
- Kickboxing or karate: kickboxing - hopefully going to be able to fit it into my budget again in January.
- Keep a journal?: just this blog

L
- Love: is an amazing feeling
- Laughed so hard you cried: so many times

M
- Milk flavor: ewww... I HATE milk
- Movies: love them... but havent watched too many lately
- Motion sickness?: sometimes... in minivans
- McD’s or BK: neither... don't eat fast food

N
- Number of Siblings: 2 older brothers, 1 older sister, 2 younger sisters
- Number of Piercings: 1
- Number: 18

O
- One Wish: For my famly to find their ways

P
- Perfect Pizza: thin (but not too thin) and cheesy yummyness.

Q
- Quail: yuck

R
- Reasons to cry: anger, depression
- Radio Station: z100
- Roll your tongue in a circle? yes
- Ring size: which one?

S
- Song: right now I am loving Pink's new album
- Shoe size: 5.5/6
- Salad Dressing: olive oil and vinegar
- Sushi: so very yummy
- Slept outside: yes.. camping, sorta
- Skinny dipped?: haha. yes
- Shower daily?: yes.. every morning.
- Sing well?: not at all
- In the shower?: yes i sing in the shower and the car
- Strawberries/Blueberries: strawberries

T
- Tattoos?: 5
- Time for bed: preferably 9:30 during the week... otherwise my crohns flares up.
- Thunderstorms: love listening to them

U
- Unpredictable: not me.. i am pretty predictable

V
- Vacation spot: anywhere warm and sunny and tropical

W
- Weakness: boys.. although I am getting better at dealing with them
- Which one of your friends acts the most like you: don't think any of them
- Worst feeling: being let down or betrayed
- Wanted to be a model?: never
- Where do we go when we die?: somewhere beautiful
- Worst Weather?: windy

X
- X-Rays: have had a few
- Ex's: They are in the past

Y
-Year it is now: 2008
-Yellow: very pretty and sunny

Z
- Zoo animal: MONKEYS!

LAST PERSON WHO…
1. Slept in a bed beside you?: No idea...been that long
2. You went to the mall with?: Me, myself, & I
3. You went to dinner with?: the boys from work.
4. You talked to on the phone?: coworker
5. Made you laugh?: boys at work
6. Hugged you?: maybe my boss, maybe my dad.. its been a few days...
7. Said they loved you? my dad
8. Held your hand?: my niece
9. Spoke with?: talking to my sis via text.
10. You cried over?: i honestly cant think of the last time i cried over someone.. it would have to be Music Man... and that has been a LOOOOONG time...

Neenee the Stalker

After my post the other day, I felt inspired to tell you about my crush, the boy I am trying to forget. I have delayed writing this because I was holding out hope that something would develop between us. But at this point I am pretty sure nothing will.


The day I interviewed for my job, back in September, I got on the train and to my pleasure there was this SMOKING HOT Conductor. Tall, beefy, gorgeous blue eyes... made me want to kiss him the moment our eyes met. I was feeling really great about the interview and thought, "here is an incentive to take the job, seeing this guy every day would be awesome".

The week I got the job, I took the train at the same time.. no Hot Conductor. The following Monday, I get on the train, and THERE he is. As hot as I remembered. Over the next few weeks we start chatting, he asks me so many questions and I learn things about him. Finally he asks my name and gently shakes my hand. One tuesday he tells me that his schedule is changing and he won't be working that line anymore. That he will be working out of brooklyn from now on. He gives me some details of his schedule and tells me that the following monday and tuesday will be his last days on that line. He tells me to make sure I am there. That monday I was there, we chatted a little, but I didn't have the nerve to give him my number. Tuesday comes, I am looking all cute, all prepared to hand him my card. I wait on the platform, and the doors open and no HC, he isn't anywhere. Another conductor comes through and I ask about my HC, he tells me he is no longer there.

I was so sad. I was pissed too, I should have given him my number on Monday!!! DAMN DAMN DAMN! Days go by and I cannot stop thinking about him. It is almost the end of October and I will be moving soon. I decide I have to do something. I know his schedule, sorta, on the weekends (because he told me). One Saturday, I get up at 7am and shower and get all dressed cute/casual and head to the Brooklyn station he is working from. I am not sure what train he will be on, but I know when his day starts. There are 2 options... so I buy tickets for BOTH trains. I go down to the first platform and pace up and down looking for him, no where to be found. I go upstairs and mill around, and start to head down to the next platform. I see that the train has just pulled in, as I walk down the stairs I see him (from the back) I freeze in my place, he steps onto the stairs and sees me.
A huge smile comes on his face, he touches my arm and says, "what are you doing HERE?"
me: "Oh, taking a train"
HC :"that is my train"
me:"oh yea? where you at?"
HC: "the front"

I head to his part of the train and wait. He comes in and starts chatting with me. He continues to come by and chat. Finally, we are getting a few stops away from my stop.
Side note: I made up a story about having to go see a friend.. I needed a destination!
When he comes by again I say, "hey, I said if I ever saw you again I would give you this" and I hand him my number.
HC, smiles, "Oh you will see me again" puts the card in his pocket.
Me, "oh yea? when?"
HC "today, when you come back, on the train"
Me, "oh, well i don't know when I am, I doubt that it will be the same train you are working."
HC, "hold on, be right back"
He disappears with another conductor. A few minutes later, there is a tap on my shoulder, he waves me over. He takes me into the little conductor office on the train and proceeds to tell exactly which trains will be coming through my stop. We chat more until my stop. He SEEMS really into me.
I wander around for a few hours and get back onto his train. I cutely ask him if he missed me and he responds with, "ohhh so much". We chat for a little while, he sits down next to me and tells me more about himself. At my stop, I tell him goodbye and he says see you later. I was really F-ing proud of myself that day. I have NEVER done anything like that before. Sure it was kinda stalkerish, but I felt like I had to DO something so that I didn't always wonder "what might have been".

One month later... no call. I have seen him since, not on purpose, it was on my way home from work. Now I know his tuesday/wednesday schedule, because he made a point of telling me. He mentioned he has been very busy, he works 7 days a week. I commented like, "no worries, you could have just said you weren't interested or available", he laughed and said, "no its not like that" but didn't elaborate. I guess I wanted him to be into me that I read into our interactions. Now I am avoiding his train on Tuesday and Wednesday because I made a fool of myself. I just wish he had told me he wasn't interested. Maybe he is attached... either way I wish he had told me something.

Time for me

I want to write, I need to write, but for the last month I haven't found the right words. Things are good in my neck of the woods, apartment good, job good, boys..well no boys, but that's good.

I have some stuff on my mind that I really want to get out, but right now I can't. I can't put it out there for anyone to read, not just yet. I hope one day I will be able to openly discuss it because it really helped me figure out something that I needed to figure out. For the longest time, my life has been about pleasing others. Sacrificing myself for someone else. Someone recently described me to someone else as the "type of person, who is reliable...to a fault, always there, who is the rug that you can walk all over, will always see the best of you". This person did not mean this is a bad way, she was actually defending me to someone. Recently, I have taken the stance in my personal and professional life that I am done with trying to please and help others to the point that what I need gets ignored. No more. If someone can't put any effort into me, I will not bother with them. I have done this at my job and it has made a difference. I have started applying it to my personal life as well. That boy I have a HUGE crush on? I have been TRYING to forget him, as he has had my number for a month and no calls. He loves to give me mixed signals when I see him, but he isn't giving me what I need so I am moving on.

It is Thanksgiving.. time for the grateful post.
I am thankful for my family, no matter what they will always come first.
I am thankful that I have so much positive energy around me.
I am thankful for my friends who have been there through thick and thin.
I am thankful for hope.
I am thankful for my apartment.
I am thankful for my job.
I am thankful for the sun, the moon, the stars, the ocean.
I am thankful to feel alive.
I am thankful for all that this year has brought me.
I am thankful that THIS year I can honestly say I am happy.
I am thankful for honesty.
I am thankful that I haven't needed to take my Crohn's meds in 3 months.
I am thankful that I have taken control of my life.
I am proud of the person I am.
I am thankful for all the opportunities I have in front of me.
I am thankful for today.