Temptation

When it rains.. it pours...

In my last post, I didn't talk about one reason for some of my freaking out.

There is this guy, Mark, who an vendor that we work with at my job. He is hot, I have thought so since the day I met him over a year ago. But a year ago, I was all miserable and felling crappy about life, and getting fat. Definitely was not trying to start up a relationship with ANYONE. However, that did not stop the fantasies I had for the many months.

Over the past year, we have become good acquaintances and in the last 6 months or so, become friends. Well things got flirty a few DAYS before I met mr.d. But I didn't read into it, I just thought he was being flirty since I have now lost almost 30 lbs (YAY!) and I look good, as well as I feel good about myself.

Then, over a month ago, his texts got more flirty and interesting, I participated in it, because it was before mr.d and I were "going steady" haha. Then I didn't know how to stop the conversations with Mark... I didn't tell him about mr.d cause I liked the attention, especially since I had been into him for such a long time. It was living a fantasy I had been having for so long. The texts weren't serious or anything, just flirty, stupid conversations...THEN mr.d went ahead and said we were in a relationship on facebook, that is how Mark found out. One Monday morning he sent me a text "congrats on the relation btw".

I admit, I was disappointed... however Marks texts didn't stop. again, I didn't know how to stop it, cause I did like it. Then went for dinner (NOT A DATE), and a week later we went dancing and drinking.

Mark knew I did not want to cheat on mr.d, but that didn't stop him from trying. There was/is so much sexual tension between us. I was confused because I really like mr.d but there was just this THING with Mark that I couldn't deny either.

So the night we are out drinking and dancing, and Mark keeps trying to do anything. It hit me how much I do not want Mark. I want mr.d. Sometimes the fantasy is just that. I did allow the line to get blurred and crossed it a bit, but I didn't full cross it, THANK GOD. I also realized that part of the reason I even allowed what little did occur between Mark and I was cause I was so scared of my relationship with mr.d. I was so afraid to get hurt that I was effectively sabotaging it. Mr.d even called me out on it, because he could sense I was pushing him away and almost trying to give him reasons to not be with me.

Since that night out with Mark, we are completely just friends, and I have no attraction to him anymore.

I only have eyes for Mr.D

Hello Happiness!

I am happy... very happy. It is amazing.. and shocking.

mr.d and I are going strong, things are progressing very well. I haven't had a freak-out about being in a relationship in over a week. Haha.. I was having weekly freak-outs. I hasn't truly realized how scared I am of being in a relationship until natural, wonderful milestones were happening in my relationship with mr.d.

One thorn, well its not a big thorn, just a little one, is that mr.d has a female best friend, Mindy. They have been friends since college, have never hooked up, only interest has ever been on his side. He says now he wouldn't touch her, she is more like a sister. When I hang out with both of them, it is very apparent there is noooo interest on either side. However, she is the jealous/possessive type (she admits this) and I am treading lightly to see what that means. So far, she has never done anything to bother me or try to prove her "position" in his life. mr.d will sometimes refer to her as baby, which drives a stick through my heart, its not a endearing baby, more like a "hey baaaby", but he also calls me baby (different tone) and it irks me. I refer to my guy friends as hun or sweetie sometimes, so I know that its nothing. Him and I are very similar in our relationships with the opposite sex. I have very close guy friends that from the outside seem "inappropriate" but its all innocent.

The only time Mindy is an issue for me is when other people get into my head. A few weeks after we started dating, mr.d and mindy went on a trip to new orleans. This was a pre-planned trip, they are both HUGE sports freaks and were going to a football game. They went down there for 5 days. mr.d waiting until the week of to finally book his flight and the hotel. He booked a room for them, with only 1 queen size bed, and said he would see what he could do once he got there. I was feeling weird about the trip and them sharing a hotel room. I heard from him the first night he got there, he text me till 4am, and said he got an upgrade to a room with 2 beds. Then I didn't hear from him till sunday, when Mindy text me that he lost his phone.

Of course, alllllll my insecurites came floating up and I was freaking out. He came back on a monday and was supposed to come over (around 10pm), he had no phone so i had no way to reach him. At 11:30 he calls and said he was exhausted and wasnt coming over. I, of course, flipped my shit. He ended up coming over on tuesday and we talked for hours, abotu everything, the trip, him not coming over, my fears, worries, etc.

Since that conversation, things have been amazing. He has been (and always has) so sweet and attentive. Tells me he misses me all the time. He makes sure we have plans to see each other again. I am so calm and chill about it all. Take tonight, he has a few friends in town this weekend and really wanted me to come out tonight, but I didn't feel like going into the city tonight as I am going there tomorrow and I have to work on sunday, so I wanted one night at home. They wanted to go to a comedy club tonight or tomorrow, I told him that tomorrow I want to make it an early night. He agreed and so he is out, drinking, having a good time, and I am at home blogging. No problem, no worries, no insecurites, no freaking out. No obsess texting, either!

Is this what a healthy relationship is like??

A new beginning

Hello blogging world! I have missed you.

I know that no one is reading this miserable blog anymore but just in case there are some people who check in from time to time, I figured it was time for an update.

Life has changed... a lot.

I have lost almost 30 lbs, hope to lose another 20.

I am still at my job, and once again looking for a new one.. haha. I am not doing a serious search, but the last 8 months at my job I have realized that it is not the right place for me in the long term. I will not leave unless I find the PERFECT job. One that I know will be the right choice... could be next month or next year.

I am dating someone... and that is the one thing that freaks me out the most. It has only been about a month. Mr. D is amazing, sexy, gorgeous, funny, normal, just perfect for me... only if he was not a republican and a smoker. Haha. It has been going great. I have allowed him to pursue me, which is so unlike me, I am usually chasing the guy down to hang out and make a commitment. But not with Mr. D . He shows interest and he lets me know he misses me and wants to see me. He makes plans to see me. He has introduced me to everyone in his life. He, unfortunately, has not met anyone in my life, but that is due to him living in the city and my whole world living on long island. We are having a great time and I have had a few freak out moments. I didn't know how scared I am of being in a relationship until Mr. D decided to make it known on facebook that we are in a relationship. Haha. I was stunned when he did that, I even called my friends and told them it was toooo public. It isn't, we have talked and we are in a relationship. I am just so scared of getting hurt, of letting someone in.

I have been re-reading my blog from the beginning and it has been so enlightening. I was really messed up for a while and I let my "love" for music man to get in the way of my love of myself. I love me a lot these days and I am pretty protective of myself now. I am letting things move slowly with mr.d ...sorta. we did have sex after we talked about us being together seriously.

Only pressure is from my friends and family, they have not even met him and they comment to me that they "hear wedding bells". It is not what I want to hear, everyone was so negative when Music Man and I moved so quickly, yet these same people are asking me if i see myself marrying mr.d after 1 month. No, I do not see myself marrying him yet. I have only been with him a month!

So that is the short version of what I have been doing these last few months.

if there is anyone still out there.. say hello!

Turning the page

Life has been changing for me.... I have been growing more and more as a person. I look back at the last 5 years and am amazed at all I have been through and all that I have the future holds for me.

Life has been good and difficult at times, but I have held a focus on seeing the bigger picture. I have been working at finding success in my life.

First area I needed to work on (after having to find a job) was to get my health in order. At my job, within the first 5 months I gained around 10 lbs. UGH! Last summer I was complaining about my weight as it was, now I added on another 10lb. Great.

I joined a gym, but didn't go for the first month. Then I stepped on a scale at my friend's house and BAM.... almost passed out when I saw the number. That week I started at the gym, then the next week I joined Weight Watchers. It has been almost 7 weeks and I am proud to say that I have lost 14.8 POUNDS!! GO ME! I have about 30 more to go before I hit goal. I am sooo very excited.

I work out 5 days a week, and am working really hard at getting my life together in all aspects.

Work has been great, I really love my job.

Family is good, my sister and BIL are really having a hard time, so I am trying to help them out as much as I can. My sister had surgery today too, so now she has to physically heal in addition to all that they are already dealing with.

Prayers for my family

My sister's house burned down.

A few days before that, her husband was laid off. Her birthday was a week before. They decided to go out for a few hours and pick up their son from school. As they pulled into the driveway they saw smoke coming from their house. Their 5 month old puppy was in her crate, in the house. They tried to get in the house to get her, but the smoke and heat was too much. My Brother-in-law cut open his hand breaking the windows. They couldn't save her. I was at work when I got the call. I got in my car immediately and drove the 3 hours to get to her, in the snow. As soon as I had my sister in my arms, she broke down. The people in her in laws house had tears rolling down her face as my sister bawled in my arms.

Later that night, when our dad and brothers got up there, we (not my sister or her husband) entered their house. The structure was still there, but that was it. I have never seen anything like I did that night. It was black and charred, the smell was intense. You couldn't recognize anything. The TV was a shell of plastic and metal. The couch was reduced to a wooden frame. The floor... was 6 inches of muck. The pictures on the wall were gone. Miraculously, her wedding albums weren't touched.

They lost everything... all they had were the clothes on their backs. My poor 4 year old nephew lost everything material in his world. How do you explain to a 4 year old that he can't sleep in his bed? That he has no toys to play with? That is "sister"/puppy is gone? It breaks my heart.

Since then, I have been amazed by the generosity out there. People near and far willing to help out. People willing to donate the very little money they have.

All I want is to see my sister smile again. To see her not feel so..... displaced.

She has always been my hero... all i can do is try to find as many people who can help her.

If you would like to donate, please send me an email at hopefulstarfish@gmail.com I will send you the Paypal link I have created for her.

Drama Seeker Reformed

My whole life I have been a drama seeker. I have also been in severe denial about what I was. I am proud to say that I am in recovery.. finally. I come from a family of drama seekers, I never knew there was a different way of being. I lived years of drama... years spent working myself up into a madness. There were the childhood years of tantrums and stubbornness. The early teenage years of angst and boy drama and personal drama... The last 7 years of more boy drama, friend drama, family drama.

Just looking at my posts from the last 3 years are one drama filled post after another. How EXHAUSTING!!! Seriously?!?! People told me I was dramatic that I blew every situation out of proportion. Ex's told me I needed attention and was way too dramatic about things that were not important.

The last 6 months I feel like I have been in drama therapy. I cannot tell you how or when it happened. But all of a sudden, I was able to see the how ridiculous I was being. For example, with FL, when he didn't call or didn't want to see me.. I would make a HUGE deal out of it. Obsess over it... think about it constantly. I would say these things that I meant to evoke a response from him... dramatic.

Sometime in September, I noticed a difference in how I was FEELING about everything. It was like a light was turned on and I could finally see clearly. I used to have to talk myself out of doing dramatic things. Now I don't even have the urge and I am more aware of it in other people too. Take my mom for example.. the queen of drama. I used to argue and argue with her. Now I get it. She is dramatic.. I don't even pay attention to her... I let her make her big deal and don't respond. I have advised my sister who is going through a dramatic fight with her best friend to not be dramatic... and she is feeling so much better, her impulse was to be dramatic, as we always have been and it would have made the situation so much more stressful.

I can't say I am always be reformed, I can only hope so. I can only hope that I continue to not over react and let go of situations that are beyond my control.

Merry Christmas to all! I hope everyone has an excellent christmas and gets everything you want.

Enjoy the time with your family and friends. I wish I could have a drink with every one of you who have been there with me over the years. This Christmas all I want is for everyone I love to be happy and healthy.

Love, Neenee