I have decided it is time to move on. For possibly the first time, I am moving towards something and not running away from something (as I have in the past). I have decided to move to Texas for better opportunity and a better life for me. It is cheaper down there and I have family there who I have spent most of my life away from.
Only cons: I have no job yet, therefore I can't afford my own place.
I will be staying with my grandma until I am settled with a job, which I hope won't take too long. I know some of you will think I am crazy for quitting a paying job again, but I know in my heart that this is the right thing to do for me. I am drowning here is NY, my situation is getting worse and I have to do something about it. This is what I have chosen to do it. I can feel deep in my soul that life is about to get so much better.
Also, why the hell not? I am young and single, why should I stay in a job that is not challenging and I know I am meant to do more with my life. Settling for less then what I deserve should not be my only option. I want to experience life, so that is what I intend to start doing.
Come along for the ride>
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Monday, June 28, 2010
The Ex List
FL- Taught me sweet, unconditional love. Shared tears and scars, held each other when the pain got to be too much. Shared hopes and dreams of a better future for ourselves and better childhood for our kids in the future.
T.- Taught me that love should not hurt. Was the first person I willingly allowed to break my spirit and control me. Learned what fear felt like and what hatred looked like in the eyes of someone who swore they loved you. Saw what manipulation was.
Dion- Showed me what friendship was, how a guy can bring you to tears out of laughter. The first time that I mistook a great friendship for love, and how you cannot control who you fall in love with. I wanted so much to be in love with him, for a while I fooled myself into believing I was. Until the day I realized I did love him, but only as a friend. Broke his heart.
Rugby- First relationship where there was no games. There was trust and honesty, most of all, there was love. First guy I did not cheat on. First guy, that worshiped the ground I walked on, yet called me on my shit. He taught me stuff, helped me be the person I am. Showed me how to believe in myself. He is my longest relationship.
Karma- Taught me about patience in love. First guy to truly break my heart. Taught me what it was to hurt. Showed me what I had put some of my ex's through. Taught me how to forgive.
Music Man- Taught me that love can make you lose your senses. Taught me how to trust my heart and fall madly in love. Learned I was capable of great love. Too bad it was with someone who didn't love me back. Taught me what I was willing to give up.
Mr.D- Allowed me to open up my heart and life to someone. Showed that I was able to love again and trust someone. Showed me to trust my instincts to be able to be in a relationship and lose myself. He broke my heart, but oddly, looking back I am glad he did. Because I survived it and am not bitter at all. Still think of him fondly.
T.- Taught me that love should not hurt. Was the first person I willingly allowed to break my spirit and control me. Learned what fear felt like and what hatred looked like in the eyes of someone who swore they loved you. Saw what manipulation was.
Dion- Showed me what friendship was, how a guy can bring you to tears out of laughter. The first time that I mistook a great friendship for love, and how you cannot control who you fall in love with. I wanted so much to be in love with him, for a while I fooled myself into believing I was. Until the day I realized I did love him, but only as a friend. Broke his heart.
Rugby- First relationship where there was no games. There was trust and honesty, most of all, there was love. First guy I did not cheat on. First guy, that worshiped the ground I walked on, yet called me on my shit. He taught me stuff, helped me be the person I am. Showed me how to believe in myself. He is my longest relationship.
Karma- Taught me about patience in love. First guy to truly break my heart. Taught me what it was to hurt. Showed me what I had put some of my ex's through. Taught me how to forgive.
Music Man- Taught me that love can make you lose your senses. Taught me how to trust my heart and fall madly in love. Learned I was capable of great love. Too bad it was with someone who didn't love me back. Taught me what I was willing to give up.
Mr.D- Allowed me to open up my heart and life to someone. Showed that I was able to love again and trust someone. Showed me to trust my instincts to be able to be in a relationship and lose myself. He broke my heart, but oddly, looking back I am glad he did. Because I survived it and am not bitter at all. Still think of him fondly.
Friday, June 04, 2010
Friday, March 12, 2010
Is it spring yet??
It has been two months since mr.d and I broke up. The first few weeks were hell... barely ate slept, kept hoping he would come back. We didn't talk much, maybe every few days or so. About 6 weeks after the break-up and he was drunk he called me and we talked for a while about how he still loves me and wants to be with me but he doesn't feel ready and that I scare him. He felt he had so much he needed to work on and that he feels that maybe the timing was bad between us. Basically, blah blah blah blah. I understand what he is saying, but the end result is the same, I cannot change his mind and we arent together. we are friends now, and we have slept together a few times since. I know it is a bad idea, but it is fun, and we have so much fun together.
I have posted my profile back on few dating sites, just seeing what is out there. I am hanging out with my friends a lot, doing things. Took awhile to want to do things, but I am doing stuff. Funny story, after the break-up I would put up fake facebook statuses about going out. Had to tell a few friends and family that they were fake cause otherwise they would have worried. But I did it for 2 reasons, 1- so mr.d wouldn't know I was at home bawling my eyes out everyday and 2- I figured I could fake it till I make it. It worked, when mr.d finally talked to me, he would mention things I had posted about so I knew he had been paying attention, which made me feel better. I know, messed up.
But the HUGE thing I did was get a new tattoo! I got a Phoenix on my upper bicep and it wraps around to my shoulder blade. It is sooooo beautiful!
I am doing much better. I still miss mr. d everyday, crazy how a 4 month relationship was one of the most important and greatest relationships I ever had. I still have feelings for him, when I see him I still get butterflies. It sucks, but i know everything will work out for the best. He treated me great and he has always been really honest with me, so I don't hate him.
I have posted my profile back on few dating sites, just seeing what is out there. I am hanging out with my friends a lot, doing things. Took awhile to want to do things, but I am doing stuff. Funny story, after the break-up I would put up fake facebook statuses about going out. Had to tell a few friends and family that they were fake cause otherwise they would have worried. But I did it for 2 reasons, 1- so mr.d wouldn't know I was at home bawling my eyes out everyday and 2- I figured I could fake it till I make it. It worked, when mr.d finally talked to me, he would mention things I had posted about so I knew he had been paying attention, which made me feel better. I know, messed up.
But the HUGE thing I did was get a new tattoo! I got a Phoenix on my upper bicep and it wraps around to my shoulder blade. It is sooooo beautiful!
I am doing much better. I still miss mr. d everyday, crazy how a 4 month relationship was one of the most important and greatest relationships I ever had. I still have feelings for him, when I see him I still get butterflies. It sucks, but i know everything will work out for the best. He treated me great and he has always been really honest with me, so I don't hate him.
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Knocked off my feet
mr.d and I broke up. I cant even comprehend it. I am heartbroken. Devastated doesn't even begin to describe it. It happened on last monday. I couldn't stop crying for 2 days, didn't eat for about 4 days.
Things were great, as far as I knew. Then BAM its done... well sorta. Here is the story...
I don't know if I mentioned it, but mr.d has depression and has attempted suicide twice in his life. The first time being when he was in 4th grade, the other time being about 5 years ago. I knew about this stuff from the beginning.
After new years, I could tell that something was different. I figured that because of our serious/crazy conversations on new years eve, maybe he was a little freaked out/scared. We both shared a fear of commitment/letting someone in too deep. I figured I would give him some space and that it would all be fine. Last week we had stupid fights over nothing, well he was fighting with me and I was disturbed by his moodiness, then he blew off a party he was supposed to come with me to. I wasn't very concerned or upset because he had been celebrating the Jets win the night before and suspected he would be too hungover to come. I asked him if I could come to the city and have dinner with him on Monday, fully prepared to talk to him about his fears and find out why he is pushing me away so suddenly. On Monday, when I get to his places the conversation immediately gets into how he is feeling. He tells me that he is miserable for no reason, that he feels a downward spiral coming on and he has no control. That he feels moody and unhappy and doesnt know what to do. That he loves me and wants to be with me but doesnt know if it is the best thing to be in a relationship. He tells me it isnt fair to me to be around as he spirals to rock bottom. I see the fear in his eyes. We talked for hours, it was terrible. I was completely a mess, I tried to tell him that it should be up to me to decide if being with him while he is going through this is too much to handle. He was adamant that he wouldnt do that to me. It was insane. I can't even begin to explain all that we talked about. It is just too much.
At the end we decided to allow him to take some time and figure out things for himself. We were "in a relationship" on facebook, he changed it to "it's complicated". Since when did facebook become the relationship litmus test? haha. I know it is stupid and dumb, but in a way I feel that he didn't break up with me on facebook because he isnt ready to. He told me, " I am not sure where I am going with this, I need time".
It is so complicated, I wish it was as easy as he just isnt interested or he wants to see other people, or he is just a jerk. But its not like that, i know it in my gut. Him and I only know fully the things we shared these past 4 months, and it meant something. I really believe that he did get scared, combined with his mental issues, I think he is just having a breakdown of sorts.
I am so worried about him, and yes, I want him back with every fiber of my being, but most of all I want him well and happy. Even if that doesn't include me.
For now, I am trying to give him space, yet let him know I am here and supportive. That I will help him in any way I can even if we arent together.
I really love him.
This sucks...
Things were great, as far as I knew. Then BAM its done... well sorta. Here is the story...
I don't know if I mentioned it, but mr.d has depression and has attempted suicide twice in his life. The first time being when he was in 4th grade, the other time being about 5 years ago. I knew about this stuff from the beginning.
After new years, I could tell that something was different. I figured that because of our serious/crazy conversations on new years eve, maybe he was a little freaked out/scared. We both shared a fear of commitment/letting someone in too deep. I figured I would give him some space and that it would all be fine. Last week we had stupid fights over nothing, well he was fighting with me and I was disturbed by his moodiness, then he blew off a party he was supposed to come with me to. I wasn't very concerned or upset because he had been celebrating the Jets win the night before and suspected he would be too hungover to come. I asked him if I could come to the city and have dinner with him on Monday, fully prepared to talk to him about his fears and find out why he is pushing me away so suddenly. On Monday, when I get to his places the conversation immediately gets into how he is feeling. He tells me that he is miserable for no reason, that he feels a downward spiral coming on and he has no control. That he feels moody and unhappy and doesnt know what to do. That he loves me and wants to be with me but doesnt know if it is the best thing to be in a relationship. He tells me it isnt fair to me to be around as he spirals to rock bottom. I see the fear in his eyes. We talked for hours, it was terrible. I was completely a mess, I tried to tell him that it should be up to me to decide if being with him while he is going through this is too much to handle. He was adamant that he wouldnt do that to me. It was insane. I can't even begin to explain all that we talked about. It is just too much.
At the end we decided to allow him to take some time and figure out things for himself. We were "in a relationship" on facebook, he changed it to "it's complicated". Since when did facebook become the relationship litmus test? haha. I know it is stupid and dumb, but in a way I feel that he didn't break up with me on facebook because he isnt ready to. He told me, " I am not sure where I am going with this, I need time".
It is so complicated, I wish it was as easy as he just isnt interested or he wants to see other people, or he is just a jerk. But its not like that, i know it in my gut. Him and I only know fully the things we shared these past 4 months, and it meant something. I really believe that he did get scared, combined with his mental issues, I think he is just having a breakdown of sorts.
I am so worried about him, and yes, I want him back with every fiber of my being, but most of all I want him well and happy. Even if that doesn't include me.
For now, I am trying to give him space, yet let him know I am here and supportive. That I will help him in any way I can even if we arent together.
I really love him.
This sucks...
Monday, January 04, 2010
Happy New Year!
Wow, another year has passed by, it has gone so quick.
Overall, 2009 was not a great year. My job was a miserable stressful mess for the first 6 months of the year. My sister's house burned down and her dog perished in the fire. My brother-in-law lost his job, we had to put down 2 family dogs at christmas, money was tight for everyone. I know too many people who were unemployed for most of the year.
BUT, I did meet mr.d and that was fabulous. He was my reward for dealing with such a terrible year. We had an amazing christmas and an even better new years. I am so glad to start the year with him. I couldn't ask for a better guy, and I am soooo happy. Falling in love is the most amazing thing in the world and to be with someone who treats me so great is more amazing than I can describe. The last 2 weeks our relationship has been intense and overwhelming but I wouldn't change a minute of it. When it is him and I, we tend to let our imaginations run wild and talk about the possibilities for the future.
On New Years Eve, mr.d and I, in our drunken haze, talked about marriage and babies, it was crazy talk for sure, but enjoyable. Nice to be with someone who wants that in life and wants to work towards that.
I have no idea what this year will bring, I hope not a heartbreak, but I am hopeful that this year will bring me a lot of happiness. I have a feeling that this will be a year to remember, a turning point in my life.
I can't wait.
Overall, 2009 was not a great year. My job was a miserable stressful mess for the first 6 months of the year. My sister's house burned down and her dog perished in the fire. My brother-in-law lost his job, we had to put down 2 family dogs at christmas, money was tight for everyone. I know too many people who were unemployed for most of the year.
BUT, I did meet mr.d and that was fabulous. He was my reward for dealing with such a terrible year. We had an amazing christmas and an even better new years. I am so glad to start the year with him. I couldn't ask for a better guy, and I am soooo happy. Falling in love is the most amazing thing in the world and to be with someone who treats me so great is more amazing than I can describe. The last 2 weeks our relationship has been intense and overwhelming but I wouldn't change a minute of it. When it is him and I, we tend to let our imaginations run wild and talk about the possibilities for the future.
On New Years Eve, mr.d and I, in our drunken haze, talked about marriage and babies, it was crazy talk for sure, but enjoyable. Nice to be with someone who wants that in life and wants to work towards that.
I have no idea what this year will bring, I hope not a heartbreak, but I am hopeful that this year will bring me a lot of happiness. I have a feeling that this will be a year to remember, a turning point in my life.
I can't wait.
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Merry Christmas!
Merry Christmas to all (who celebrate it)!!! Hope you get all that you wanted!
My christmas is small this year, my family isn't doing our big celebration, with all the kids, my cousins and my mom till jan 16th. I am going to my brother's for christmas eve dinner and then to my cousin's on christmas day. Not sure when I will be seeing mr.d, I can't wait tho! I haven't seen him in over a week! Plus I cant wait to give him his presents, and of course get mine!
I am nervous about seeing what he got me. I feel like presents are a big deal, shows if the person knows you or not. I am anxious if he will like what I got him. I got him 4 gifts, 1 is a big one, which I know he will love, the 3 others are smaller and he should enjoy them. I'm just worried that he went overboard or that I spent too much. I spent about $200, I hope that is acceptable. I know it is not about the money, but what if he went crazy and spent $400 or didn't and only spent $50??
I would be happy with him in just a red bow! Hahaha
My christmas is small this year, my family isn't doing our big celebration, with all the kids, my cousins and my mom till jan 16th. I am going to my brother's for christmas eve dinner and then to my cousin's on christmas day. Not sure when I will be seeing mr.d, I can't wait tho! I haven't seen him in over a week! Plus I cant wait to give him his presents, and of course get mine!
I am nervous about seeing what he got me. I feel like presents are a big deal, shows if the person knows you or not. I am anxious if he will like what I got him. I got him 4 gifts, 1 is a big one, which I know he will love, the 3 others are smaller and he should enjoy them. I'm just worried that he went overboard or that I spent too much. I spent about $200, I hope that is acceptable. I know it is not about the money, but what if he went crazy and spent $400 or didn't and only spent $50??
I would be happy with him in just a red bow! Hahaha
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